This isn't really journal entry material. It's more like a call for attention. Help. Guidance. It's hard doing everything alone.

Someone talk to me...

As the first entry in three years, I am sad to say it is not a very pleasant one.


Throughout my life I have seen many things. I have learned a lot from them. I have cherished them. I have also been pulled back and forth between what is right and wrong because of them. It seems as though the older I get, the more confused I am of the actions I should take in life. Before I always held back my feelings until I thought the time was right to express them, and when I did that I lost the opportunity to experience what I longed for. But now that I believe I should go with my feelings and trust them with confidence, I seem to do something wrong or at least go about doing it the wrong way. Either way I've been fucked.

I'm not looking for a pity party of sorts or anyone feeling sorry for me. All I'm looking for is a way out of this mess. All of it. The mess that is ME. I hate it all. There isn't  day that goes by that I feel completely content with myself, my surroundings, my situations, anything. I'm so confused with life that sometimes I'd honestly rather be in coma for a few days just to get away from everything. But I know that when I wake up I'll be worried about how to pay the damned medical bill haha.

I just wish I could be happy and do what I feel is right without getting ridiculed by it or hurting someone close to me. I mean, just because someone's views and beliefs are different than my own doesn't mean that when they do something I disapprove of I consider them wrong or get angry with them. The reason I don't is because of the fact that I've seen many different things in life that have shown me that everyone learns different things in different ways and their rules of ethics and morality may be somewhat different from mine, so who am I to judge them wrongly? Yes I believe I should judge someone's actions by how I experience them to establish some sort of profile of them to identify with, but I'll never truly know every little detail in his/her life that applies to the reasoning they use to cause that action. sigh.....

What I want is for everyone to look at the BIG picture of LIFE. People focus their attention too much on minute things that happen to THEM and a simple means of figuring out WHY it happened. You'll never really know the whole story that led up to the climax that involves you, but at least considering the possible rising actions will calm you down into thinking rationally about the situation rather than radically, which can tear people apart almost instantly.....

All I'm sayin' is, think about it. All of it. You, your friends and family, life, God, and anything you can imagine in that wonderful mind of yours. Be optimistic. There is good in EVERYTHING. You just have to stop for second and give it a chance to show up. Stop trying to move so fast in life. You'll miss the sweet nothings that are in all things.

Goodnight. Sweet dreams. And love...

ok, so me and mak are now movin out yet again..... haha, to somewhere a little easier to get to and a little cheaper, so hopefully it'll work out, cuz im gettin tired of havin to keep movin my shit hahaha. oh well. we're gonna make this awesome ass closet called a "smozet". if you cant understand the two combined words, then oh well. we're basically taken the wall between mine and maks closet and stephan and calebs closet and knockin that fucker out to make one huge "smozet".....so we can have multiple people and lights and pictures....and many other intriguing things to do. muahaha lots of fun! :D and we should be moved completely in by the weekend. kay well, thats all i have to fuckin say right now.......toodles!!! :D

ok so now supposedly im a freak and a perv as informed by some bithcy chick i "had" on my friends list on myspace. i guess i was a little to forward with the lets meet thing.....oh well, fuck it. she had a boyfriend anyway. but to sit there and call me a freak and a perv, what the fuck?! all i said was maybe we could meet sometime. god damn she just freaked out over that. some people are just fuckin nuts and go crazy over stupid nonserious shit. but i guess some one has to right? haha. oh well, atleast i left her a nice message instead of bitchin at her for bein an idiot. fuck me people are stupid. . . . . . . . .

well, im just sittin here as normal, wishin i had somethin to do.... it seems like everytime i have money to do somethin, its not enough, or i have to pick one thing to do, cuz thats all i can freakin afford. im basically just stayin alive right now, and it sucks, it royally sucks. and i dont know what to do. im so confused. my life right now isnt going anywhere at all, and when i wanna do somethin about it, it always falls through. like im not supposed to have a luxury life, like im supposed to be one of those people who just make it by to see tomorrow. and i dont want that. so if any one can help me in the right direction(not nesessarily the "right" one) i need to figure out what the hell to do with my life to make it better. and fun. i dont wanna be like my dad and sit at a computer all damn day and be bored off my ass. i want something exciting. but thats just me....

ok, so ive been high all weekend.........and kinda am still. god i love weed. ok sorry i just had to inform that. toodles! :D

ok, so i finally made a live journal profile. i wasnt goin to, but its just so damn boring over here, i need something else to do. oh well.